Naturally, the news of my forthcoming increased auntihood has resulted in a flurry of industry. The first thing was to paint this piggy-bank. I am also very chuffed the dolly I have made, as I have no experience of toy-making, only ever sew in order to mend things and I didn't have a pattern or anything. Despite all this, it turned out quite well. Now all my dolly needs is a name.
I meant for dolly's gender to remain indeterminate, as is Baby Tinker's gender at this time (hopefully there will be a scan soon and I will show you, like it or not). However, my instinct is that this is a gentleman-dolly so I shall refer to it in the masculine.
The dolly is a pirate on account of the fact that his hair went hideously wrong. I had no idea how to give a dolly hair so I sewed nine metres of black ribbon onto the top of his head. I then realised he was best wearing a bandanna at most times.
So the dolly is a pirate and spends his working day plundering the high seas. For this he wears denim dungarees which are so incredibly funky that I would probably make myself a pair if I had more fabric.
The dolly is disabled and can't stand up straight. I may make a wheelchair for him later on, but I am anticipating baby Tinker to be very clumsy and inclined to eat everything during his or her first years of life and would therefore damage such a thing.
After a hard day's work, the dolly clocks off, changes into casual dress and spends some quality time with his pet, the Big Scary Kitten. Despite the violence and villainy essential to his day job, the dolly has a warm heart and a great love of animals. He also likes listening to music. He is very keen on Depeche Mode, having himself been described as the Black Martin Gore.
Strangely enough, "Is it black?" was the first question my mother asked when I told her about the dolly. I explained that the fabric I was using was kind of tea-coloured if that was anything to go by.
"Trust you to make a politically correct doll!" my mother declared. "Is it gay?"
"It is a dolly for the baby," I explained. "It is ambiguous."
The word ambiguous sent my mother into a fit of inexplicable giggles, so that was the end of the conversation. But just to reassure my mother, who may worry about such things, here is the dolly spending an evening with the lads down at the local nightclub The Dolly House.
Here the dolly meets his best mates, Tinky Winky and Tortoise. After some nice tasty seafood, these chaps like nothing better than to dance the night away, which is a precarious business when you have no skeleton.
At the end of a long day, plundering the high seas, playing with his cat, and getting very drunk in the nightclub, the dolly collapses in a drunken stupor on the floor (he's a real-ale pirate).
So now it is over to you; what is the dolly's name? There are no prizes except for the knowledge that a small, as yet unborn, person will have the dolly that you named as his or her most favourite treasured toy (perhaps). Hmm, I might think of a prize of some sort.
I think the best way is if you enter the competition by leaving a comment with your suggestion below. I know that means everyone gets to see your idea, but I think it may be more fun that way. I'll tell you who won next Sunday (12th March 2006).
And before you ask, yes, a new digital camera is high on the list of gadgets to be purchased when finances allow.
How about "Pat the Pirate," an ambiguous gender to go with Pat's ambiguous sexual preferences?
When I was very very small I had a teddy bear named Kettle. Don't ask me why; but at least it's unisex (so was the bear).
I think you've done a brilliant job there, Goldfish.
What a great doll! Is little Pirate actually wearing tiger-underwear?!!
How about calling him "Arrrrgh", because that is what pirates usually say, at least according to books, and to my knowledge this is also the first thing little babies can say without too much trouble.
God he is the spit of a black Martin Gore isn't he. Brilliant stuff.
Martin Gore oncegave me a can of beer whilst we were waiting for taxis outside a nightclub in Essex. I haven't got many claims to fame but that's one of 'em.
Pugwash the Pirate is as far as my imagination goes. Those of you who know the tv series Captain Pugwash will be aware of the controversy surrounding the programme and maybe the name Pugwash is in keeping with this little pirates chice of nightclub. That club is just so camp!!
He is marvellous. I was particularly impressed by his choice of nightspot. It may interest you to know that there is a legendary venue in Oxford - the town of my birth - known as The Dolly. I believe it has been taken over and re-branded as 'The Cellar', but no matter because everyone still calls it The Dolly and it has, in its time, hosted the early live musical efforts of Oxfordshire luminaries such as Radiohead.
Thus I feel Mr Pirate is certainly of an indie rock persuasion, and I look forward to hearing his embryonic five piece playing some choons in a few years time.
I don't know what his name is.
I think I must be very unoriginal- my thoughts were: Sam (following the same logic as gimpy mumpy) or Pugwash. I was going to suggest Roger, but then thought better of it ;-) (BTW Master Bates and Seaman Staines were/are ubran myths, apparently. Sad really, since the creator used to go around schools who, obviously, then didn't want him. You'd have thought they'd have checked they weren't in the series).
Wot no wooden leg/prosthetic limb?!
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