Sunday, April 03, 2005

Poetry Corner: Ode to my TENS machine

Since the blogsphere is awash with disturbing angst-ridden poetry, I thought I would add my own contribution.

Ode To My TENS Machine

I want to tell the whole wide world about my darling TENS,
My little matt black box and I are very special friends.
He stays close to me all day long, he never leaves my side,
I tingle when I feel those soft electrodes on my thighs.

He came straight to my rescue when my agony was heinous.
My love for him is deep; in fact it is quite transcutaneous.
This love it has no side-effects; those drugs can be so icky,
Though when I pull the patches off he leaves me rather sticky.

I knew that it was meant to be as soon as I first saw him,
He stimulates my nerves so that I produce more endorphins.
He stops me curling up with pain; he stops that horrid spasm,
Alas however, he falls short of making me [feel any better than as I have described above]

He is the answer to my prayers; the dream I have been chasing,
After just a week he needed his battery replacing.
However much my body aches I know he’ll make amends,
My love, my life, my tingly-wingly, darling little TENS.


Eliza said...

Hee, I love it! I think I'll go read it to my darling TENS. I would love my TENS more, though, if 1) the electrodes would stay on better, 2) I didn't end up hurting more from trying to put ON the electrodes, and 3) the electrodes didn't cost so freaking much. Oh, and if I didn't have a billion stupid people constantly ask me if the unit was an iPod and a few more even stupider airport security guards who couldn't grasp that it wasn't a bomb.

My pain doc wanted me to get a spinal cord stimulator, which is kind of like a super-dooper-strength TENS unit they implant inside of you. The wires and electrodes go into your spinal canal and the battery pack goes into your butt cheek and you turn it on and off with a remote control held over your ass. Which, admittedly, is pretty damn appealing. But, you can't have any MRIs once you have one, which would be a BAD thing for me, and my neurosurgeon wasn't too keen on sticking things into my already-screwed spine. Oh well. Hopefully someday soon, they'll figure out how to make it MRI-proof, like the intrathecal pump, and I too can have a robotic ass.

Anyway, I just wanted to publicly declare my love for this poem.

P.S. If you do a web search on TENS units, you'll find out about all SORTS of, um, interesting ways that people use it. People who likely love it Even More Than You: it may not help their pain, but it certainly gives them relief just the same. Just saying.

The Goldfish said...

Thanks for your comments, Eliza.

Here in the UK you can get TENS electrodes quite cheaply, but you have to shop around on-line. If you buy them in bulk, say three or four packs at a time they can be significantly cheaper than buying the individual packs as you need them. I'm still experimenting with how long I can make a pack last.

Plasters help the electrodes stay on but depending on your condition can give you more problems when you try to get the things off at the end of the day.

A robotic ass sounds great. There was of course this story a couple of years ago

but I'm not sure you would complain too much about that kind of side effect to your pain treatment...

Eliza said...

Ah, yes, they did a show on the Discovery Health Channel about that (U.S. cable channel; not sure if it's available in the UK? But it might have been a British import special anyway, as I think I remember the women's being British). Appearing on that show brings a whole new layer to seeking out your 15 minutes, I guess.