Thursday, December 11, 2008

I wish I had a river, I could skate away on

It's coming on Christmas and I've done almost nothing. For some reason, this is making me terribly and stupidly anxious. At least something is making me anxious. And this anxiety is getting on my nerves, since I really have nothing to worry about.

It has been a bad brain week though. And I've had the usual niggle as to whether I can't write or paint because I'm just knackered or because I am lacking motivation, or at least in the wrong frame of mind. This is the great problem with fatigue and anything creative; if it was just sums, I could either make myself do them or I couldn't, whether I wanted to or not. Whereas people in perfect physical and mental health have creative blocks.

I suppose there are clues. Fatigue causes muddles and mistakes. Fatigue begins lots of sentences which, you know. um...

Trouble is, as soon as I ask myself whether my frame of mind is part of the problem, I begin to feel guilty and miserable. And being rather miserable, I have even more reason to suspect that it isn't just fatigue. Which makes me feel more guilty and miserable. And anxious. That and the Christmas thing. I was going to make cards and I realise that my cards are going to be crap, consisting of a great deal of glitter and not much else. If I actually finish them. Oh who cares? Do you care?

It took me all of today to write this. And that pisses me off.

Also, I realise that I was doing great last week, but feel like I haven't done one productive thing in months. And that pisses me off. My ingratitude! I am by far the most irritating person I have ever met.


S. said...

Oh, Goldfish. December kicks my butt, you know that, and that sense that there is so much going undone is part of the discouragement. Hang in there. I'm thinking of you.

Jess said...

I do care! Certainly so. Oh, it's rotten to have a crap week. :( I'm sorry it's been so fristrating. Anxiety and guilt and grumping make for one misery, and fatigue makes it worse. I've been doing much the same thing this week-- grumping and worrying and guilting. I think it's partially hormonal and partially...who knows what else. That Christmas is coming and I'm no where near ready, that I can't get anything written this week. So you're not on your own in that respect, at least!

You'll have more productive days. And there will be those less productive ones which you can't do anything about. But don't kick yourself for that. You do what you can, and on the bad days...well, grump a bit, but don't kick yourself. And know there's loads of people round here who like you and don't find you irritating in the slightest. :)

Anonymous said...

Send shop bought cards woman. Don't beat yourself up about a sprinkle of glitter.

'I am by far the most irritating person I have ever met.'

You've met me, so I confidently claim that title!

Mary said...

Cards consisting of a great deal of glitter and not much else?

MY cards, assuming I actually get my lazy undermotivated arse around to it, will be removed from the packet, get a few words scrawled in them, and then be put into their matching envelopes so that I can forget to post them until January.

This wouldn't be so bad except the boxes of cards and my italic pens and the list of people to send to have been on the floor of the living room all week in the hope that constantly having to LOOK at them will force me to make myself DO them.

Send your "crap" glittery cards and be proud of it. They may not be perfect but you'll have made more effort than any number of other people.

Also, given a choice between receiving a crap card or no card I will take the crap card every time. See my post from last year.

Anonymous said...

Funny you should say that; I felt that way yesterday. I mean, the anxiety and guilt is here all the time, but yesterday it was almost crippling... which interferes with Christams shopping. :-) I took myself in hand and asked myself what I was worried about, and didn't get a convincing reply.

I was wondering if there were online services that mail out cards if you pay, but I can imagine that being frowned upon for various reasons. If it gets us through Christmas in one piece, though, why not?

Never That Easy said...

December seems to do this to me, as well, Fishy friend. It gets even harder to tell a good day from a bad, there's a lot more mandatory and a lot less optional, and my body does not respond well. Sometimes that song (River) is the only Christmas song I can relate to.

Hoping that today's a better day for you, and that you'll (and I'll) have better luck remembering that we can only do what we can do, and there's no sense beating ourselves up for what's left over.

MeganH said...

I've given up on doing anything for anyone FOR christmas - they can get stuff after.

It's too hard, and it's too soon, and deadlines makes me quiver.

The Goldfish said...

Thanks everyone,

Still feeling pretty fogged up and lousy, but I have cheered up a bit, not in least thanks to you. :-)

I made a little progress with the cards, but I will use at least some shop-bought ones this year. It really isn't worth getting upset about.

seahorse said...

I left all mine til the last minute, and so I have a crap card to send you, but being extra everso crap I've lost your address! Pls pretty please email it to me, like you haven't got enough to do! Sorry.

donutfish said...

I am just sitting here feeling a little fishy. My contemporary mood has been upscaled by a slider or some such. It's not that things are so bad or dull, it's more about finding out who you are and where you all fit in this world. You know the one thing that makes me feel rather funky on days like today is to look at some cool art. That's why I just made this cool website called Maybe this project will keep me out of the doldrums this year. I certainly need something to hang onto. Goodbye now fishy.