Sunday, July 24, 2005


The news coverage of the attacks in London is just getting silly and so am I...

Public Information On The Terrorist Threat.

London maintains her stiff upper lip this morning after the good old British Bobby thwarts terrorist attacks on the London Transport System. Those Islamic Extremists have picked the wrong city to terrorise. Here, it is business as usual: those plucky Londoners are having none of it.

Suicide bombers? Maybe two weeks ago, but this week they were Mild-Concussion Bombers. This red-faced would-be martyr hands himself over to an obliging officer. There’ll be no seventy-two virgins for this cheeky chappy in his police cell tonight. By jingo, there aren’t seventy-two virgins to be found within the Borough of Hackney.

So, you may ask, what is Islam? And what has Mr Mohammed got against the London Underground?

Well Islam is a jolly decent religion which is rather like the Church of England except without Her Majesty The Queen in charge. Mr and Mrs Mohammed may not participate in the raffle at the Church fete, but Mr Mohammed plays a mean left-field for the local cricket team. We have nothing to fear from him.

Unfortunately, some young followers of Islam not only reject the raffle, but the warm and watery beer which made Great Britain great and indeed the very game of cricket itself. Without the understanding of a googly or a ferret, these unruly hotheads are without wholesome use for their boyish energies and are ripe for the plucking when those dastardly extremists come scrumping for martyrs in our back yard.

What about the International Situation?

In recent years, The British Armed Forces have leant a hand to Johnny Foreigner when he has got himself in a pickle. Some caddish Islamic types have the rather girlish idea that Johnny Foreigner should be allowed to get himself out of any pickle he has had the foolishness to get himself into without our help.

You may well laugh at this. Or if you are a woman reading your husband’s newspaper, you may say, “But what is wrong with allowing autonomy to developing countries, so long as they are supported by the international community and allowed to trade freely and fairly with everyone?” To this we have a simple rebuttal: Don’t worry your pretty little head about it. If you can’t understand the rules of cricket, then it is most unlikely that you should comprehend the workings of International Politics.

So is the International Situation in some way related to the atrocities in London in recent weeks? Of course not! It is nothing but lilly-livered nancy-talk to suggest that the actions of the British Government, either at home or abroad, could have any undesirable consequences for the British people.

What can you do to stop the terrorists?

When using public transport, try singing the national anthem, Rule Britannia and Land of Hope And Glory. Your fellow commuters are bound to join in. Roused by this patriotic display, not only will you have eliminated any nervousness on the bus or tube train, you shall also have greatly lessened the resolve of any of those rascal terrorists within the proximity.

Keep an eye out for for suspicious people or anything out of the ordinary. Are the trains running on time? Something must be up. Has anybody made eye-contact with you? Observe if any of your fellow passengers stand up in order to let the frail, crippled or pregnant take their seat (not including when standing for the national anthem of course).

Tommy Terrorist may be a master of disguise, but he is no match for little Timothy (above left), who runs straight home to tell his father what he has seen.

Most of all in this War On Terror, we need make as much tea as our kettles can muster. This not only helps keep our spirits high and our upper lip stiff but in an emergency, tea doubles up as a handy antiseptic (when diluted with neat alcohol), an effective analgesic (when mixed with morphine hydrochloride), and a local anaesthetic (when applied to an open wound in combination with cocaine).

So brew up Britain and chin up London! In our great history, we have faced and defeated foes such as Bonapart, Hitler and... Philip II of Spain. A handful of ideological Yorkshiremen are no match for us.


Kev said...

OK, thanks for giving me my first good out-loud laugh of the weekend. Truly, we need more journalism of this calibre and sheer bracing British good sense.

I'll just be off for a nice cuppa, then, and a round of Rule Britannia. I feel invincible all of a sudden.

Katie said...

Wow, I totally agree with Kev and Vaughan, You have a great way of saying what happened there. How did you research all of that? That's cool, I couldn't do that,but did put my opinions about the London bombings in my weblog, and a great programme from the You and Yours programme from Radio 4 about naming a wheelchair's contraversial name. Check my blog to find out more!

Anonymous said...

Hey Goldfish,

WOW!! Took me right back to the secret bunker in Scotland that we visited on Honeymoon. It had a marvelous popoganda cinema complete with propoganda fim reels and some which were about the Cold war and considered far too awful to be shown when filmed way back then. The one I am thinking of is famous and has Parkinson narrating it but it escapes was what to do if an atomic bomb goes off.

Anyhoo, your narrative and 'lets get up and dust ourselves jolly off' styl;e had me peeing my pants! Thanks !

Oh and hope that you are feeling more chipper. I hope that you got my last email. I am sure I owe you a couple though



James Medhurst said...

Personally, it's not the Muslims I'm worried about. It's the Brazilians.

Agent Fang said...

Good show old gal!



kimananda said...

As Vaughan said, you speak newsreel very well...are you a native speaker, or did you study it in uni? ;-)