I am having a difficult week. Last weekend I learnt that one of my irrational bad feelings was in fact perfectly justified (or almost; could have been worse, could have been much worse - no deaths, thank God) and ever since I have been in a state. Partly because of the bad thing, but partly because my levels of self-trust have risen somewhat and all the demons that usually jiggle and niggle in the shadows have come out to do a little dance in the sunshine.
For the third time in a week, one of my friends is missing. The first one, see above. The second was on a scheduled trip away from home, I simply got confused about the timing and panicked. A real imaginative panic, though.
This time it is P, who we were supposed to meet to watch the sunset. I phoned to cancel yesterday, leaving an answering-machine message and a request to phone back, plus I sent an e-mail. But I hadn’t even had a confirmation from him that he was coming. There’s no way he would be sulking about my not being well enough to come out or anything like that.
(Incidently, I was disappointed about the sunset, but later relieved; [...] walked up the beach and said it was cold, windy and the sun disappeared behind cloud before it fell into the sea.)
P often goes quiet for a few days. For one thing, he does have bad days, which he literally spends staring into space. And he has profound short-term memory issues; you never leave the house to go meet him without having confirmed that he knows what day it is and what's going on.
Only, I haven’t heard anything since Monday and I left an answering-machine message and sent e-mails yesterday. So I'll be completely distracted until (I'm sure) I hear that he's finde and dandy and just got in a bit of a muddle.
Also, I have another wisdom tooth coming through and seem to have developed some sort of allergy to music. Here is the unlikely playlist of Songs Which Have Set Me Off Crying this week so far:
I say a little prayer – Aretha Franklin
Heroes – David Bowie
Friday, I’m in love – The Cure
Are Friends Electric? – Gary Numan
Angie – The Rolling Stones
I mean, Angie for cripe’s sake. None of them are even vaguely tear-jerking, are they? Don’t worry, all my tears have had a musical accompaniment, and this is over a week – that’s less than one cry a day, but then only for a week. Before then, it had been a long while. This is a reactive episode not an ongoing state.
So this afternoon I decided to purge. I sat down and listened to
Fire and Rain – James Taylor
Hurt – Johnny Cash
Losing My Religion - REM
Let It Be – The Beatles
Dock o’ the bay– Otis Redding
That should just about do it. Now need to rehydrate.
Note to Self: Subject all future candidates to full medical exam before admittance to heart.
Uh no, not really.
I bet everything is fine, but i understand your worry. And don't you think music just does that sometimes-sets you off? Sometimes I have the crying response, but sometimes it makes me irrationally happy.
Or maybe it's just you and me! :)
If it helps, I'm crying at every damn thing too at the moment. Things that make me too sad, things that make me too happy, you name it, I'm getting leaky about it.
Blowing up everything out of all proportion too. For me it goes with having a bad day.
It's the difference between "aargh! Haven't seen him since Monday!" and "Hmmm, not seen him for two or three days..."
I prescribe a big box of tissues, a cream cake and plenty of hugs :)
I would never attend a public concert on which they are playing music by Chopin. I would be thrown out for making unsuitable sobbing noises, as sure as there's an "Amen!" at church. sorry for the German saying, but I couldn't think of a proper English one.... Hope you'll hear from your friend soon.
Music is potent because it bypasses the reasoning and goes straight to the heart.
I went to the funeral of a friend yesterday and was fine all through the service, then on the way home I went into a shop where they play rather superior muzak: "Unchained Melody". Just hit the spot. Had a little weep there and then.
Hope you have heard from your friend by now.
P phoned this lunchtime. He has been unwell, but at the same time his e-mail is playing up - I haven't received e-mails he has sent, he was too fogged to realised what as happening or to phone. But all is well. :-)
Cream cakes sound like an excellent suggestion, anyway.
Charles - I am very sorry to hear that you have had to attend a funeral this week. I feel very fortunate that I have not.
I hate it when my paranoid beliefs turn out to be true. Unfortunately, it happens all too often - I have disturbingly accurate paranoia. I suppose that means that it is not paranoia at all.
I hope things get better for you soon.
A late comment, sorry Goldfish, but glad to hear P is ok. Aretha Franklin and James Taylor always do it for me.
Your "self-trust": The receiving of Pre-cognitive information seems to be an effect of being out of the daily hurly burly through our own ill health. As if we are able to tune in to what is going on for others who are important to us, when we ourselves are out of the white noise of ordinary everday life.
But babes large and small always suffer when they are teething !
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