Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock

Trouble is, of course, that my confidence has gone. I've had these few weeks of struggling to think, let alone to get my thoughts across to anyone else, and I've lost the confidence to write anything. I keep clicking on Comments boxes, before chickening out of whatever brief and unspectacular thing I wanted to say. It's very isolating. It's not lonely as such because here you are; I disappear for ten days and you're still here. Then there's friends' blogs and e-mails - even e-mails sent weeks ago seem fresh to me since I've been in such a fog. I feel you are there for me, but I am not there for you.

But I'm coming back, slowly. I have lots of other things to do, because I have hardly done a thing about Christmas. I'm actually quite resigned to hardly doing a thing about Christmas for the next three weeks. I have so far written two Christmas cards; I hope you're impressed!

Top priority is trying to improve my health so that I can enjoy myself and be a part of things. A part of things is something I don't feel myself to be just now.


Diddums said...

I had a conversation with Mum the other day... something about each and every one of us being a part of things even if we think we're not. Half thinking about blogging about it. When I have time...

I haven't written ANY Christmas cards. I'm jealous.

Jess said...

Even those of us in rude health lose writing and commenting confidence (and put off preparations for The Christmas)-- I myself have been curled up a big ball of non-writing angst for weeks. If it's any consolation, I know you've been there because I've seen the evidence in my SiteMeter stats. And whenever I see it, I say to myself, "Yay! There's Goldfish!" And that satisfies me.

You take your time and do what you need for you. Be kind to Goldfish! I like her even when she's quiet. :)

Maddy said...

We're behind too. [but we also have three family birthdays in December]

Health has to be the priority.

By the by, a few years ago I read a book [quick read] called something like 'pull the plug on Christmas' I think it's supposed to be some kind of American Classic. [don't quote me]

Anyway, I found it very useful in sorting out one's priorities about 'the holidays.' What I particularly liked about it was the bit about how the womenfolk sort of take over with their family traditions and the dad's sort of get shoved off to the side lines.

They suggested working out the 'most' important things for both parents so that they could both forge ahead with a new combination of 'traditions' that were more meaningful to a family.

Also said to find those 'most important things' and dump everything else. There you go, after that rambling you don't need to buy the book anymore!


This is my calling card or link"Whittereronautism"until blogger comments get themselves sorted out.

fluttertongue said...

Very impressed that you've written Christmas cards already. I wrote a post a while back about being 'done to', rather than doing, following a theologist called Vanstone. Though it's a Christian viewpoint I think there much there for non-Christians in his ideas too.

I hope strength returns steadily and that only good things are waiting to be done.

Mary said...

I am impressed by the writing of two Christmas cards. So far my efforts in that direction have been to look in two (wrong) places for my Christmas card stash, and to write a rambling blogpost about the importance of sending aforementioned cards.

Oh yeah, and I 'borrowed' an Airmail sticker from work (see what I did there?) so that when (if) I find my cards I can post one to relatives in Germany.

See this is the trouble with you being a "thinking blogger". Everyone knows that my brain isn't my strong point, so if I leave a single, mangled sentence as a comment on someone's blog and then add something along the lines of "sorry, you know how it is" no one actually minds or has their expectations knocked down.

seahorse said...

Your top priority is spot on, but even when I was at my very worst I still remember enjoying moments, and perhaps moments are more remembered than the whole, which can be a blur whether well or unwell. Two moments from 2005 come to mind. One was fireworks night Nov 5 2005 days before I went into hospital. Then moments of Christmas 2005, like special, if hazy memories of my son and listening to some beautiful music on Boxing Day. I was totally out of it pre hospital, slightly on the up but still not very great by Christmas but I still remember good moments, special bits. Hope this helps a little.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my goodness! I can't remember the last time I wrote a Christmas card. It had to be at least thirteen years ago.

Things go in cycles, even our brains. Be patient with yourself and try to enjoy the ride, even if the ride is just kind of a float-through for the time being.