Wednesday, November 21, 2007

November Rain

Thanks for your kind wishes; I hope you will forgive me if I return merely to have another moan.

I have begun to feel very sorry for myself. The fog is dense just now and my co-ordination has gone out the window (it was aiming for the door). Fortunately, [...]'s back is much improved, and he is now walking in the gait assumed in those ascent of man pictures, after the ape-creature has got up on his hind legs, but while he's still stooping and rather hairy. You know what I mean.

However, my brain... It's so frustrating and isolating. It has taken me an age to write this far. And the big killer when it has been like this for a while is that

(a) you forget when it wasn't so bad. I've been below (my personal) par for a few months now, but my brain hasn't been this mushy for all that time. I don't know when it got this bad, maybe only a week or so? Maybe less than that.

(b) you begin to fear that it will never be any better. Even after a few days, you begin to think this - mostly because you have no sense that it has been just a few days. After all, things have got worse, on a long-term basis, before now.

(c) you begin to lose confidence in your body. There is fairly obvious cause and effect in this blip, but it is really difficult to keep this in perspective. Instead, you begin to notice the many and varied ways in which the body is exhibiting a struggle. This is difficult to explain... it's a bit like when you're in a car which is making noises like it is about to break down completely.

(d) you begin to lose confidence in yourself. I keep dropping, spilling, breaking and colliding into things all the time. I keep doing strange things and forgetting what I'm doing and every now and again a muscle will give way completely and refuse to work again for some minutes. I am seriously afraid of burning the house down or injuring myself; I had a very near miss with an exploding pint glass yesterday. So all of life is being approached rather nervously.

Still, lots of things to find pleasure in. Starry skies, the sound of rain on windows and icecream. And having had a moan about it, I will probably feel much better tomorrow and feel guilty about complaining. Hmm. Hope so.


Jess said...

How frustrating! You're entitled to a good old moan. I hope you're out of the woods soon-- or at least, that the trees thin a bit. Sending telepathic cups of tea, and my mother's pumpkin pie. Or carrot cake, if you prefer. (According to Mom, thosewill be our Thanksgivingy options. I'm not complaining. :) )

Anonymous said...

Oh, you poor thing. You have my deepest sympathy.

Forgive me if I repeat myself; my brain isn't what it once was, either, but for reasons all its own. However, I have been doing a lot of dropping and stumbling and klutzing about lately, possibly due to lack of sleep and the need for new eyeglasses both, plus the fact that my prosthetic socket needs to be refit but I don't have time, and it has gotten so frustrating that I have begun to scream "F*CK ME" every single time, and sometimes "F*CKING GRAVITY! I'M F*CKING SICK OF F*CKING GRAVITY!" or "I F*CKING HATE F*CKING GRAVITY AND IT OBVIOUSLY F*CKING HATES ME."

All of this makes for a very restful household, as you might imagine.

I hope your cloudiness clears soon and that gravity will at least start cutting you some breaks, since it's obviously got it in for me. And when you feel better, I would very much like to hear the tale of the exploding pint glass in greater detail.

Anonymous said...

Nothing lasts forever, even cold November rain.
Relax, you'll be back soon! xxx

Gone Fishing said...

Hang in their "Your Mushyness" Wish I could think of something to help you smile at this time, but such may undermine my Maleness and show my Femine side........

Problem is peole who have never experienced such trials (How does one explin why he just whooosed a hot cup of tea across some fine persons table at an unexpected moment? or how he forgot to attend the Prize Giving where he was meant to hand out the prizes?

Hopefully your mushyness will pass, and AJ's too although maybe not to the level it was, what the heck we have to be realistic..just another weee challenge to overcome

Frustrating part is discovering that Medical Miracles and Silver Bullets do not exist and there is very little Doctors can actually "Cure" or even offer comfort without nasty side effects so we sit wait and hope that we don't die before it passes.

Fun part is at last seeing the Doctor, when you are much better, and finding that he has no idea as to what you have just survived
Hang in there, Whisky Honey and Lemmon Juice is my curent cure all, and of course 1/2 a teaspoon of Baking Soda in a glass of water makes one "Feel" much happier.

Deleted my blog in a fit of "I must be a boring person", may make another, one day, when the Summer is over, maybe.

So I a bald toohless lopsided wobbler am off to find a quiet patch of NZ forest where, hopefully without treading on the latest 1080 poison drop, I of Celtic, Saxon decent can do a naked Morris get well soon dance three times clockwise around a tree and three times the other way I am told works

For an Engrish Gerl and her mate on the other side of the world.

YUK! Images Images Images! Scvared for life as my Daughter would say

seahorse said...

You are entitled to moan, and to be feeling all those things that accompany general crapness that goes on for more than a few weeks. Trouble is, the mind quickly realises the body is struggling and can join in, becoming anxious, befuddled, nervous etc.
Could you ask your Mum for a lovely warming casserole or big load of comfort soup? I'd gladly bring you either but it would be off by the time I managed to get there :-)

Anonymous said...

We always feel so much better after a good moan [or vent as we say out here] I just try and think of it as cheap therapy [blogging that is to say] Nonetheless and sorry for your woes and even more sorry about the fog. I don't suppose it would help to mention to clear blue skies out here and the sunny weather?

If it's any consolation you can think of me in a sweat tomorrow beating a turkey into submission - it's just like Christmas without all the hassles of presents.
Cheers dearies

Mary said...

Life go up, life go down :)

imfunnytoo said...

hope things feel more connected soon. Stay safe and appreciate what you can :)

Sandi said...

Hope things improve for you soon. :)

Elizabeth McClung said...

I hope things improve but I understand completely about the stages and particularly because the pain and the fog and the doing things badly are so vivid that in a short time it is hard to remember when it wasn't like this, that this is all there is; and though you RATIONALLY know this, it is hard to know it inside. I also swear much like Sara, it got to the point where even I suggested a swear jar yesterday and Linda said, "I don't know if you can afford it."