Meme Mut8nt-R4

The 8 things Meme Mutated at Andrea's Buzzing About and Andrea (the index case) passed this virulent strain onto me. New genome for Mut8nt-R4:

1. Let others know who tagged you.
2. Players start with 4 recipes they especially like (ethnic or regional recipes and quick meals are especially nice).
3. Those who are tagged should post these rules and their 4 recipes.
4. Players should tag 4 other people and notify them they have been tagged.

I'm afraid I'm not very good at this for two reasons. One is that I don't do that much cooking, and with the stuff I make in my own way (i.e. not just lifting a recipe from elsewhere), I'm rather vague about quantities and timing (frankly, it's really difficult for me to imagine doing without the things in front of me). The second is that I'm pretty bad at writing instructions in any case.

However, when I saw this, I immediately thought of the four people I wanted to tag because they'll each be so much better at it than I will. And that's Seahorse, Bunnyman, Sara and S.. Which may be ever so slightly mean to Seahorse as she already provided a comprehensive week's menu on the Ouch! Blog and Sara gives us lots of recipes anyway, such as Blueberry Pie.

But I have to do this anyway...


1. Onion Gravy.

One of my favourite meals to make (I don't make many) is curly kale, sausages and onion gravy. Curly Kale is a really good lazy vegetable; often you can buy it in a bag and you can just eat heat the bag in the microwave. Ideally, we would prepare our veg from scratch all covered in dirt, but this is not an ideal life. Kale is good with sausages, any kinds of sausages, which are also easy to prepare (I make a foil tray for the grill; a waste of foil, but it saves washing up the grill). And to make this more interesting, I like to cook proper onion gravy.

Unfortunately, my onion gravy is not suitable for vegetarians as it contains Worcester Sauce (which has anchovies in it). But frankly, the anchovy is only a tiny little fish and... no, never mind. Enough to serve two adults. Requires one saucepan and somewhere to chop the onion (see suggestion below).

• 1 Onion
• 1 tbsp sugar
• Some oil - I use rapeseed oil for this purpose.
  
• 1 tbsp plain flour
  
• 1/2 tsp vegetable bouillon (this stuff)
  
• 2 tbsp Worcester sauce
  

Chop the onion. It doesn't have to be very finely chopped, it's up to you. My top onion-chopping tip - do it in a flat-bottomed bowl, under water. If you have to work as slowly and precariously as I do, this will stop your eyes watering. Also, as we're making gravy, it doesn't matter so much if blood is spilt - it merely adds to the flavour!

Using the saucepan you're going to make the gravy in, add the sugar and oil to the onion and fry for a bit. Meanwhile make some stock using the vegetable bouillon and some water... uh, about a teacup worth? Add to this the Worcester sauce.

When the onion is cooked, add the flour and stir well. Then slowly add the stock liquid, stirring constantly. Then let it simmer for a bit. Probably.

I'm really not very good at this, am I? I'll try harder.


2. Orangey Tofu Noodly Surprise (which is suitable for vegetarians)

This is fairly healthy and interesting, something that started off as a proper recipe but which I made my own with several adjustments.

Serves two adults. Requires 2 saucepans, a chopping board, some means to juice an orange and somewhere to put the orange juice.

• Some tofu (I don't know - as much as is in the packet).
• 1 clove garlic
• Some ginger root, roughly the same size as a clove of garlic
• 1 tbsp oil (again, I use rapeseed oil for this purpose)
• Juice of an orange
• 1 tbsp soy sauce
• 1 tbsp honey (clear is best I guess)
  
• About 3 spring onions
• Some brocolli
  
• Some babycorn (um... some.... you can guess how much you need I'm sure)
• Enough noodles for two people.
• A good handful of sesame seeds
  

Slice the tofu best you can and put it in a saucepan. Chop up or crush the garlic and ginger, add this and the oil to the tofu. Stir all this together and leave it alone for a bit to llow the tofu a chance to absorb a bit of flavour. Meanwhile the orange juice with the honey and soy sauce. Cut up the vegetables into thin shreds, or at least small pieces, the best you can.

You can do all this before you do any cooking, so you can chip away at it during the afternoon. At some point, spread some sesame seeds over a flat surface under the grill and toast them. Do watch them carefully because they do nothing, go golden brown for all of a few seconds before going black such that even the birds won't have them.

Now when you're getting hungry, put the heat under the saucepan and fry the tofu in the oil, ginger and garlic for a while. When you feel it's the right time (?), cook the noodles.

Add the as yet uncooked vegetables to the tofu, give them a stir, then add the cooked noodles and the orange/ honey/ soy sauce mixture. Stir it all about. Yum yum yum. It might even help if you chant "Yum yum yum!" as you do this. You never know.

Now put it all onto plates or into bowls or whatever it is you like to do with noodly things (in the bath, if that's your thing). Then sprinkle the toasted sesame seeds all over the place.

This is actually quite nice. Honest. And it is really very healthy. Unlike...


3. Fanny Pasta

That's what it's called. [...]'s grandmother, Fanny - whose name he has been known to use as an alias on occasion - was a very old-fashioned lady who survived into the 1990s without a telephone. But when [...] and his sister would come to stay, she was prepared to make an exotic dish especially for them; macaroni cheese. She wouldn't eat any herself, what with it being foreign food, but she'd do it for the little ones. This is what she imagined macaroni cheese to be.

Requires a chopping board to slice cheese on and a saucepan. It is not very nutritious, but it's a good food in emergencies when you have nothing in the cupboard except for

• Some pasta (macaroni was the original, fusilli or farfalle are our favourites)
• Some cheddar cheese.

Cook the pasta and spread it flat on a heat-proof plate. Thinly slice some cheese and place it on top of the pasta. Grill until the cheese beings to brown.

See, that was very easy, wasn't it? Now for something sweet...


4. Crispy Cake (which may or may not be suitable for vegetarians)

This is one of my Granny's, who is an excellent cook. This is very easy to prepare. It isn't any good for you of course, but what with being made out of Rice Krispies (or similar), most of it is air anyway. That and sugar, of course. Hmm, never mind. Marshmallow is supposed to be good for some things, as a medicinal herb, but I'm not sure you have enough of it in the confection.

Requires some sort of microwave-proof dish.

• Marshmallows (usually contain gelatin but you can get vegan ones)
  
• Knob of butter or margarine
• Rice Krispies (or cheaper own-brand alternative)

Get your dish, put a knob of butter in it and melt this in the microwave. Add some marshmallows, stir them about so that the butter covers them and then put the dish back in the microwave. You can watch the marshmallows expanding, which is good fun, but once they're going sloppy, whip the dish out and stir. You should have a thick pink liquid, into which you add your Rice Krispies. Add quantities of Krispies such that they are all covered and there's no pink stuff to spare. Leave to cool, ideally transferring to fridge when cool enough.

Later on, cut it up and gobble.