The mad scientist that lives in the attic at the top of my head has had his chemistry set out again. I can hear the bubbling and spluttering and occasionally there's a little explosion from in there, black steam and a funny smell. Yesterday was seriously grim. I very almost deleted this entire blog for no reason whatsoever. Wanton destruction, I think. I went into My Documents and instead purged a load of a hundred or so files instead. Kind of hoping it was all trash anyway...
By mid-afternoon I was in that awful numb state where you can't feel anything. This is nasty, I haven't felt like that in years. When you literally can't taste anything and you play a piece of beautiful music which usually has you bawling your heart out and nothing, completely cold. Horrible feeling. Dangerous feeling. I had been fine on Saturday. I think.
A rather troubled night, all sorts of bizarre dreams (deeply regret watching Pan's Labirynth with my head not firmly screwed on). Then this morning I woke up with my beloved alarm-clock leaning over me with his arms around me, and it felt like he had there and then just dragged me up out of whatever I had been drowning in. Really I was just getting my wake-up hug, which I frequently sleep through.
And I felt miles better, completely better. Euphoric, in fact.
And then I tried to sit up.
Among all manner of other nonsense, I had been dreaming about a gigantic woman who had sat on me by accident. I was rather embarrassed because this woman was huge, she was fantastically fat, bigger than anybody ever is in real life, about ten foot tall as well and looking like something out of a Terry Gilliam animation. And she had accidentally sat down on top of me and I really didn’t want to say anything or draw attention to myself in any way because I knew she would be terribly embarrassed if I did. So I politely allowed myself to be squashed. As you would.
Which probably says more about what my body was up to than my psyche, as it hurt. A lot. It still hurts. And I still feel altogether rather fragile, a little blue and very tired.
So perhaps it is something viral. Or some Lurgy event that won't make any sense. I have decided, reassured myself that what I felt yesterday must have been something like that; I was getting rather down about my book, but even I don't take it that seriously. Nothing worth jumping from a great height for, not by a long chalk.
Stupid, stupid brain.