So all this went out the window, if ever so briefly. It’s only my bust it doesn’t fit over, but still. Even before this point this dress has been more trouble that it was worth. Hal kindly volunteered himself and his sister to finish the whole thing off for me, so save my Mum having to do it and perhaps in particular, my having to negotiate with my Mum as she continues the project. I think I need to think about the diplomatic virtues of where we go from her as well as the practical ones. And it strikes me as an awful lot of work for H and his sister (who I have never even met)...
I have been having nightmares about the wedding. I know it’s not normal to have nightmares about weddings, especially not about someone else’s wedding, especially not about someone else’s wedding you’re quite looking forward to. All my dreams have a recurring theme; somehow, through a combination of bad luck and bad judgement, I manage to mess it all up. Not just what I have to do – in fact my dream is never about those things – but everything, everything is messed up somehow because of me. Last night I dreamt that I had arranged everybody else’s accommodation, made all the catering arrangements and everything went to shit.
All my nightmares are about having loads of responsibility. My absolute worse nightmare, and it sounds ridiculous but it was extremely vivid, detailed and sensual and I was entirely convinced for the duration, was when I was Joseph Goebbels. Yeah I know. Very silly. But I was Goebbels and I suddenly realised what I had done. Now, not only did this make me feel – well, you can imagine – but I was Goebbels in about 1942 and I didn’t know the outcome of the war (honestly, don’t ask me how my subconscious managed to misplace such a fact entirely). I was quite convinced that unless I carried on, me and my entire family would be tortured and killed and nothing I could do would make any difference anyway. My heart is racing just to remember what that felt like and I dreamt that one about seven years ago! Still can’t understand it. Why Goebbels in particular?
Sometimes I worry that people who read this blog might think that (a) I make this shit up or (b) I am quite insane. However, everybody has stuff a bit like this, I’m sure of it, if not in dreams and having people in their head, then people are weird in other ways. For example they
- Challenge the supremacy of God when they miss Big Brother
- Devise a disability-simulation theme-park called Painland
- Pick strange role-models such as Mik Scarlet or strange adversaries like… Mik Scarlet
- Keep pet Gremlins that molest their dog.
- Eat herbally-enhanced chocolate cupcakes
- Spawn children who are born chemically addicted to Wellington Boots and
- Consider what would happen should the Star Trek crew come up against Roadrunner...
All that standing around while H pinned everything together has resulted in new and interesting levels of agony in my legs and back; when I woke up this morning it felt like they had given up the ghost entirely. But to be honest, I’m so grateful to be able to think straight again that I’m not minding too much.
In other news, I watched a really good film on Friday called The Devil’s Backbone (Espinazo del diablo). I have been watching loads of films this week – about two a day. My brain’s not really been up to even this, as I have been terrible bored or confused during most of them. However this one had me from start to finish. Supernatural thriller, beautifully filmed, engaging characters and really quite spooky without being disturbing or especially gory. Highly recommended.