I am having a difficult week. Last weekend I learnt that one of my irrational bad feelings was in fact perfectly justified (or almost; could have been worse, could have been much worse - no deaths, thank God) and ever since I have been in a state. Partly because of the bad thing, but partly because my levels of self-trust have risen somewhat and all the demons that usually jiggle and niggle in the shadows have come out to do a little dance in the sunshine.
For the third time in a week, one of my friends is missing. The first one, see above. The second was on a scheduled trip away from home, I simply got confused about the timing and panicked. A real imaginative panic, though.
This time it is P, who we were supposed to meet to watch the sunset. I phoned to cancel yesterday, leaving an answering-machine message and a request to phone back, plus I sent an e-mail. But I hadn’t even had a confirmation from him that he was coming. There’s no way he would be sulking about my not being well enough to come out or anything like that.
(Incidently, I was disappointed about the sunset, but later relieved; [...] walked up the beach and said it was cold, windy and the sun disappeared behind cloud before it fell into the sea.)
P often goes quiet for a few days. For one thing, he does have bad days, which he literally spends staring into space. And he has profound short-term memory issues; you never leave the house to go meet him without having confirmed that he knows what day it is and what's going on.
Only, I haven’t heard anything since Monday and I left an answering-machine message and sent e-mails yesterday. So I'll be completely distracted until (I'm sure) I hear that he's finde and dandy and just got in a bit of a muddle.
Also, I have another wisdom tooth coming through and seem to have developed some sort of allergy to music. Here is the unlikely playlist of Songs Which Have Set Me Off Crying this week so far:
I say a little prayer – Aretha Franklin
Heroes – David Bowie
Friday, I’m in love – The Cure
Are Friends Electric? – Gary Numan
Angie – The Rolling Stones
I mean, Angie for cripe’s sake. None of them are even vaguely tear-jerking, are they? Don’t worry, all my tears have had a musical accompaniment, and this is over a week – that’s less than one cry a day, but then only for a week. Before then, it had been a long while. This is a reactive episode not an ongoing state.
So this afternoon I decided to purge. I sat down and listened to
Fire and Rain – James Taylor
Hurt – Johnny Cash
Losing My Religion - REM
Let It Be – The Beatles
Dock o’ the bay– Otis Redding
That should just about do it. Now need to rehydrate.
Note to Self: Subject all future candidates to full medical exam before admittance to heart.
Uh no, not really.