Saturday, April 23, 2005


Today has been pretty miserable. My brain still isn’t working, not really well enough to start writing on here but I am kind of down and I need to let off. It’s goth weekend here in Whitby and if I sit by the window I can watch all sorts of weird and wonderful looking people walking past, like characters out of science fiction movies, manga comics and period dramas. I wanted to go to the Bizarre Bazaar, a fantastic market selling everything from ornaments that would make your grandmother blush, jewellery which would breach the offensive weapons act, heavy-duty handmade corsets, lace parasols, New Rock boots (the ones with thick chunky heels and an excess of laces and buckles) and everything velvet and leather and lace and generally black. And then there’s the music of course.

Anyway, I couldn’t. Whitby Goth Weekend is at the Spa Pavilion which in my experience is fully wheelchair accessible, but it involves crowds. I did try to get as far as town just to have a look at the people but I had to turn back. I was so tired, and suddenly being surrounded by other people made me panic and retreat and come home and back to bed. I don’t have a phobia, but fatigue makes the whole world a scary place. And being in a wheelchair makes you feel naked at such times. I really can't articulate the point I want to make so I won't bother trying. And then there’s this envy thing which is still going on this week. I guess at least if I'm ever up to joining in with Goth Weekend I wouldn’t need make-up (if I was a Dulux paint I would be sea breeze white because my skin has a slight hint of blue).

[...]’s gone out this evening but there was no way I was up for it so I wasn’t even invited. And he stated that I’ve been ill and grumpy all week. [...] doesn’t often observe the subtle ups and downs of my health or mood so it must be bad. I’ve hardly touched my book this week and I’m behind on correspondences.

All sorts of other little things have gone wrong. [...]'s had trouble with the order for his outfit for R&A's wedding. The television died just as we were sitting down to watch a film. It was ex rental when we bought it six years ago, but it was bad timing. But much worse things happen at sea and I've really no right to complain. This is not a really bad spell. It's just a very frustrating one, because it's not like I'm so ill I am forced to abandon everything, but it's not allowing me to do much with the little energy I've got.

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