Doubts

Today I have been writing very slowly, but when it goes slowly it usually means it’s good and won’t need too much editing. My doubts about the entire project are back though, as they seem to be whenever I reach any sort of landmark, like the 60,000 word wordcount on my final draft.

It could be a load of rubbish. I think it’s fairly incredible that I carry on despite this fact, really. I mean, it could be an almighty waste of time and energy. I could have been busy playing Solitaire or watching daytime TV for the last two years. I’m not afraid that it won’t get published. If it is any good then I believe it will get published eventually even if it takes ages and ages to sell it. However, it’s the fear that the first person to read it over will get to the end, look rather embarrassed and say they liked the bit with the chickens.

At the moment I am especially worried about one of my main characters, who I can’t really work out. The others I know as well as close family members, but this one I have doubts about. I’m not confident about whether she is convincing and consistent in her behaviour.

One thing that sometimes helps with the characters is to find on-line freebee personality tests or psychometric tests and to answer the questions as the character would answer them. Most of the results you get on-line are pretty rubbish, but the exercise is useful. And naturally when you put the bad guys through these tests you don’t get results saying;

“You’re an Evil Genius. You are highly creative, frequently coming up with ideas which your friends and colleagues may be disturbed by. You have a good sense of humour and take pleasure in the pain and suffering of others. You like to be in control and are happy to use the threat of violence in order to achieve this. Although family is important to you, you accept the fact your mother never loved you.”

Instead you get a description which is perhaps much closer to how your Evil Genius might actually see and understand themselves – which is more important than the truth when you’re considering their motivation and behaviour. At least it is unless you’re prepared to accept that Evil Geniuses do outrageous and often illogical things because they’re mad and bad and that’s all there is to it.

You may be either relieved or disappointed to learn that there are no evil geniuses in my novel.

Yesterday was the first drug-free day in about six months. Well, not totally, but nothing with codeine it in. Today I'm back on them as the battery of the TENS machine appears to be on its last legs. But certainly progress has been made.