Physical pain isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you, but eventually it consumes all the joy in everything else. Which is why I need to make a doctor’s appointment; there is a difference between stoicism and martyrdom. You have to have some decent cause if you prepare yourself to suffer. Not wanting to take more powerful drugs or admit that at least one aspect of my condition has changed for the worse aren’t really good enough to pin my colours to. Of course, a true stoic would just get on with this and not mention it, but I have been struggling with the decision to ask for a review.
I am also at a loss as to why things may have become worse. One explanation is that I have somehow become used to my painkillers. I have no idea whether this is possible or likely. Another explanation is atrophy, but I haven’t been dramatically altering my activity levels; surely even if my muscles are wasted, they would be accustomed to these kind of levels and only complain when I attempted to increase my amount of exercise? Plus actually because my brain is working well and I have a sense of having energy, I am moving about quite a lot despite the discomfort. I can’t do distances and I can’t stand still for any length of time, but I get up and move often throughout the day.
Another explanation is that things have got worse for some other unknown reason. This prospect is just depressing, but at least my brain is okay. I am still moving on with my book, a 1000 words a day most days. If I can do something about my pain and still have the lucidity to write life shall go on and everything will be all right.
Anyway, today I am listening to Contraband by Velvet Revolver, a band which includes Slash and Duff McKagan from Guns'n'Roses and Scott Weiland from Stone Temple Pilots among others. It is a good album, very catchy tunes. Not sure I'm in the right mood for it today though alas. I think I need a particular track by John Cage today...