When I am king, you will be first against the wall
|Following Marmite Boy’s Reasons to be Cheerful (not) and Lady Bracknell’s entry If Lady Bracknell Ruled The World, I thought I would have a go at world domination. My first attempt included such things as the Compulsory Vote (with option to abstain), Proportional Representation, deprivatisation of the rail industry and double council tax on second homes. But I thought these weren’t really in the spirit of the thing, so instead, here is the relatively trivial legislation my reign of tyranny would bring about.|
1 True story - How submitting to violence saved my marriage.
2 Eat yourself slim – how gnawing off your own leg could lose lbs overnight
3 Recipe: Triple Chocolate Gateau
5 Fat Cows – How being even slightly overweight makes you entirely worthless.
8 Your man is probably cheating on you – find out with our fun quiz!
12 Recipe: Mars Bar Fritters
20 The Suffragette Diet – it won them the vote; it can make you a size 10
32 Fashion - This season’s ninety-seven must-have items that you can't afford
52 Beauty Feature - This week, anti-aging creams for the under-12s.
84 Made-up Problems - Are you too suffering with this thing we just made up?
136 Love Feature - Blackmail your way up the aisle
220 Recipe: Lard chunks with a sunflower-oil dip
356 You’re probably a neurotic bitch-troll from hell – find out with our fun quiz!
576 Money Feature - How to defraud credit card applications
932 Careers - We talk to a feisty woman who has a job, but really bad skin.
1508 Health - The ten diseases most likely to kill you.
2440 Sex Feature - How to fake a mind-blowing orgasm!
3948 Horroscope - Your life isn’t your own; it’s in the hand of the stars.
They really are that bad. Please double the amount of pornography produced if the shevles need filling; it is significantly less demeaning to women.