When I am king, you will be first against the wall

Following Marmite Boy’s Reasons to be Cheerful (not) and Lady Bracknell’s entry If Lady Bracknell Ruled The World, I thought I would have a go at world domination. My first attempt included such things as the Compulsory Vote (with option to abstain), Proportional Representation, deprivatisation of the rail industry and double council tax on second homes. But I thought these weren’t really in the spirit of the thing, so instead, here is the relatively trivial legislation my reign of tyranny would bring about. 1. T-shirts with slogans on should be banned. There are a handful of humorous exceptions, but the vast majority of them are immensely irritating and lower the wearer in my esteem. Everything from those FCUK items through to any tight-fitting t-shirt which says Sexy! or Gorgeous! across the chest, as if labelling an item thus may effect its nature. I especially object to sexual propositions or misogynist assertions in t-shirt-form. What is that about? 2. Everybody should adhere to a strict code of etiquette in their use of technology. When the phone rings during a television programme, either turn the television off (we have videos) or don’t answer the telephone (we have answer-machines). When guests arrive, the television on in the corner of the room is not conducive to comfort and fluid conversation – if children are present they can either bugger off, play quietly or engage in conversation like everyone else. When conducting a conversation on the phone or in person, one must resist the temptation to conduct a second conversation by text message. Technology gives us the power to do what we want, when we want. Surely we can take advantage of this such that we give each task and indeed one another, our fullest attention? 3. All food manufacturers should be limited one layer of packaging. This is both an environmental issue and a consideration for less dextrous crips. Of course it looks nicer if it is in a box as well as being wrapped in foil or cellophane or whatever but it is essentially unnecessary. Like the packets of chocolate biscuits I have opened for my arthritic grandmother. They come in a cardboard box but inside they are wrapped in cellophane and inside the cellophane they are wrapped in paper and inside the paper they are wrapped in foil. They don’t taste any better for my efforts. 4. A complete ban on all Women’s Magazines. In truth my dictatorship would result in greater freedom of expression than we have now, but I hate hate hate hate hate hate these publications. Typical contents of a Women’s Magazine for those who have never read one; Page 1 True story - How submitting to violence saved my marriage. 2 Eat yourself slim – how gnawing off your own leg could lose lbs overnight 3 Recipe: Triple Chocolate Gateau 5 Fat Cows – How being even slightly overweight makes you entirely worthless. 8 Your man is probably cheating on you – find out with our fun quiz! 12 Recipe: Mars Bar Fritters 20 The Suffragette Diet – it won them the vote; it can make you a size 10 32 Fashion - This season’s ninety-seven must-have items that you can't afford 52 Beauty Feature - This week, anti-aging creams for the under-12s. 84 Made-up Problems - Are you too suffering with this thing we just made up? 136 Love Feature - Blackmail your way up the aisle 220 Recipe: Lard chunks with a sunflower-oil dip 356 You’re probably a neurotic bitch-troll from hell – find out with our fun quiz! 576 Money Feature - How to defraud credit card applications 932 Careers - We talk to a feisty woman who has a job, but really bad skin. 1508 Health - The ten diseases most likely to kill you. 2440 Sex Feature - How to fake a mind-blowing orgasm! 3948 Horroscope - Your life isn’t your own; it’s in the hand of the stars. They really are that bad. Please double the amount of pornography produced if the shevles need filling; it is significantly less demeaning to women. Sigh. Ah well, got that out of my system. Can't really think of anything else. Really very tolerant type, me. This despite the fact that I've had a tiny tiny bead rolling around under the keys of this keyboard, jamming keys at random (well not quite random - it seemed particularly keen on vowels and backspace). Aagh!