Monday, March 05, 2007

The Tragedy Model of Disability

The next Disability Carnival (rescheduled for March 10th) is about HIV/AIDS and disability. I haven't seen many blogs written on this subject and wanted to contribute something, but this was kind of hashed together on a day of fog.

The Tragedy Model of Disability (sometimes Charity Model) is a fascinating demonstration of our need to impose order on the world through story-telling. Not only does this understanding of disability carries all that Medical Model baggage about there being something wrong with us which ought to be put right, but it imposes a very orderly yet highly emotional narrative on our lives and limitations.

Anyone who has ever read newspapers or watched the television will be very familiar with this particular story. It goes a little like this:


Beginning - The Tragedy
In which an innocent is struck by disaster.

Laura was an active young girl before she was struck by a crippling disease, which left her housebound and unable to go to college. Before long, none of her friends visited anymore and she found herself sitting at the window, watching as the best years of her life passed her by.

All prospective parents want is a normal healthy baby. Betty’s pregnancy seemed to be going well before a routine scan in the third semester revealed a problem that would turn her family life upside down. She was told that her child would be born a vegetable – possibly an avocado, although the prognosis remained uncertain.

Jack was a normal young man before a freak motorcycle crash left him paralysed and confined to a wheelchair. When the doctors told him he could never walk again, he realised the life he had enjoyed was over and contemplated suicide.


Middle - The Brave Struggle
In which our hero bravely struggles against the adversity they are faced with.

Laura tried all number of conventional and alternative therapies in an attempt to get well, but nothing seemed to work. She established a charity to raise money so that she could consult a very expensive magician who she considered her last hope in her struggle for normality.

When Jemima was born she had multiple disabilities, but Betty was determined her life would be as normal as possible. Jemima underwent many experimental surgeries and therapies in her early life and managed to attend a Special School for Very Special Children, where she learnt to read and write despite having very little control over the muscles of her legs.

Being a brave young man, Jack was not down in the dumps for long. He soon became determined to defy the doctor’s pessimism. “I will walk again!” he said. “Even if it kills me!”


End - The Bittersweet Resolution
In which our hero finally overcomes adversity or at least finds some compromise in which they might live happily ever after despite their afflictions. Occasionally, they lose the battle and die.

Laura eventually raised the hundred thousand pounds she needed to see the magician. Now, through the power of magic, Laura is slowly getting her life back. She remains housebound and sleeps most of the day, but says she now feels almost completely normal.

Despite her challenges, Jemima completely her education, went to university and is now working as a lawyer. Betty hopes that better prenatal screening techniques will mean that in the future, tragic children like Jemima need never be born.

This year, Jack met and married Miranda, a special someone who could see past his disability with the help of a periscope. They are planning a family together. Jack remains resolute that one day, he shall be playing football with his children, just like all the normal Dads.

....
This is terribly destructive for very many reasons. Chiefly, because it not only casts each of us in a particular role, it also obliges us to play that role and punishes those of us who deviate. The main way in which the vast majority of disabled people deviate is by disrupting the story midway, coming to terms with our situations and then getting pissed off at the way in which we are disabled by so much more than our functional limitations. We stop suffering. We tend to become "chippy", we lose all that wonderfully endearing humility and gratitude. We are the wide-eyed, fluffy and vulnerable kitten that grew up and grew claws.

And people find it genuinely disappointing. Not suffering? Not brave? Well, how do I place you? How can I make myself feel good if I can do nothing to help you? How can I compare my life favourably to yours if you are perfectly happy? Who shall I have as a role model if you are not engaged in a struggle against adversity?

The other way in which many disabled people deviate is by disrupting the very first part of the story. After all, a hero has to fit the role. A hero must be innocent, righteous and everything else that heroes should be. The disaster must be as simple and straight-forward as possible. Impairment is rarely simple and straight-forward and disabled people are no more representative of goodness than any other group of society.

For example, young men who acquire injuries in war offer wonderfully tragic stories. Not only are they usually young, male and often beautiful (you get extra points for all three), but they were engaged in a heroic activity when tradegy struck. He took this bullet for his country.

This works very well, so long as their injuries are physical. The remaining stigma of mental health as some sort of moral weakness is even greater when those experiencing it are supposed to be some of the toughest men around. He watched his comrades die horribly for his country and is yet to recover from the trauma doesn't work so well, apparently.

But then there are diseases like HIV/AIDS. I have written before about responsibility and health, also about contagious diseases as an inevitable consequence of human contact.

Many people who have acquired impairments have done so through activity with an established level of risk. Pretty much any sporting activity, using the roads, DIY projects, certain jobs which involve high places, heavy objects, water, volatile substances, biological hazards; people get hurt doing these things. Most people don't and most people who do get hurt are not badly hurt; broken arms and legs rather than broken spines and head injuries.

An awful lot of people take risks doing the things that they enjoy. Some people are very conscientious in keeping that risk to an absolute minimum, but others are not. You only have to make a small mistake, once, and be unlucky. Which is the usual way in which HIV/AIDS is contracted in the UK. There is no moral difference between this and a snowboarding accident; a risk was taken and this time, events took a turn for the worse.

Trouble is we have another little myth which we find psychologically useful, which means that HIV/AIDS cannot fit into the Tragedy Model of Disability. This goes something like
I am afraid of the bad thing. The bad thing happened to him because he is a bad person. I am not such a bad person, therefore the bad thing cannot happen to me. I am safe.
Our culture carries a lot of baggage around sex, sexual desire and sexual behaviour. I imagine there is something deep down in every one of us which secretly feels we shouldn’t really have sex at all, or if we should it should only be under very particular socially-sanctioned conditions. However, most people behave quite differently. A lot of people take risks with sex; we know this, as despite HIV/AIDS remaining relatively rare, other STIs are not, nor is unwanted pregnancy (by far the most serious moral consequence).

And people ought to use condoms and ought to be more conscious about the risks they are taking - especially where there is the potential to get pregnant. However, after the fact of an HIV infection, how somebody came to have such an impairment is totally and utterly irrelevant.

What’s more, with HIV/AIDS, perhaps more than any other condition, disability often begins long before a person experiences functional impairment. The mere status, regardless of whether it poses any actual limitations, is enough to bring one up against disabling prejudice. Prejudice from both those who consider a person to have brought their condition on themselves, as well as those who may not, but consider HIV/AIDS so very tragic that someone with the disease might as well be on their deathbed from day one.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Blogging Against Sexism Day

Blog Against Sexism DayBlog Against Sexism Day 2007 will be held on March 8th, which is International Women's Day. Read all about it here, and to join in go here and leave a comment. The day last year was a fantastic event which inspired our somewhat more modest Blogging Against Disablism Day.

On which subject, a couple of people have already asked me about the next BADD. I would like to see it happen again this year, not sure how best to go about it. However, seems sensible to go for 1st May again, in which case we have a good while to go at.

In other news, our car has come back to life so hope to be off out and about tomorrow. Looking at... carpets! Oh the excitement! I expect I'll be floored for a few days after that...

New Years Resolutions - Two Month Assessment.

I cut myself a lot of slack this year, by not telling anyone my New Year’s Resolutions and therefore creating no audience for my failures. I am cutting myself further slack by not giving up on those resolutions that I have lapsed upon. We have, after all, had a house move which took place within a month of the decision to move and it has been a somewhat chaotic house move at that.

I did however think it was appropriate to assess how I was doing at this stage. You'll have to excuse the irritating nature of my resolutions, but I am a very irritating person.


1. Buy No More Clothes. This was an environmental, ethical, financial, feminist and practical resolution. I was determined to keep my old clothes going as long as possible by mending and re-enforcing them, and that any new clothes I needed I would make myself.

Two lapses, both relating to the fact that I realised that I’ll probably be going to a Christening later this spring, don’t have anything suitable to wear and am unlikely to be able to create an entire outfit from scratch given everything else that is going on. Both purchases from eBay however, and buying second-hand is undoubtedly more environmentally friendly than making something from a new, freshly processed, bit of fabric. And it didn’t cost much.

However, I am quite determined to make things in the future. The environmental and ethical impact of the fashion industry bother me, but also, like a lot of people who with non-standard proportions and very little money to spend, I struggle to find things which fit, are affordable and which are to my tastes. Basically I'm just bitter.

Ideally, I would like to be able to adjust and jazz up secondhand things, but I'm not that hot a seamstress yet, I need to get my skills up to scratch. And we need to do some more tidying up around here before I have the space to work on that.


2. Buy No More Prepared Cosmetic Products etc.. For similar reasons as above. Fed up of getting through plastic bottles of lotions and potions full of lots of different chemicals I don’t know the source of. And itching. Was very fed up of itching.

This was fairly easy as I had already started in the autumn. Still having baths, still washing my hair and I am still perfectly fragrant. Just without the soap, shampoo, shower gel, cleanser, moisturiser etc., etc.. The only prepared cosmetic product I use now is my Lush solid deodorant as I cannot finally do away with the fear of smelling like a human being.

I shall have to write another post about my now disgusting standards of personal hygiene, but this is going perfectly well.


3. Buy No More Chocolate that’s not Fair Trade. This was partly an attempt to eat less chocolate, partly to improve my ethical behaviour.

This hasn’t gone so well. The first lapse was when my mother had some Thorntons chocolates and offered me one or two. It would have been positive antisocial and bad for my mother’s health if I had no obliged (since she would have eaten them all). The second lapse was with my Gran’s birthday approaching and not having had the opportunity or motivation to think up anything original to get her. So chocolate it had to be. I looked all over the internet to buy a box of Fair Trade chocolates – which are available of course, and not particularly expensive really. Only everywhere I looked, in order to get them quickly, I would have been paying as much in postage as I would for the chocolates. And I needed to post them once they got to me.

Time was running out, I was putting an order in for Tescos – which do stock Divine Fair Trade chocolate but didn’t have a box available on the on-line supermarket – so I bought some Lindt truffles instead. I should have gone to the Ethical Superstore, where I have gone before and which would have only charged a few quid postage, but somehow this possibility escaped me.


4. Eat less. Well, you know I’m conflicted about my weight, but I am also a bit fed up of being tubby. Any excess weight is bound to be adding some strain to my already strained system. If I don't make some effort, it is never going to go away.

I am eating less, but don’t appear to be shrinking. Still, if I am to lose weight, it is going to happen very slowly. It is not as if I overeat, or comfort-eat or anything like that and my weight has been stable - stable and heavy - for a long time. I just don’t burn anything off because I get far below average amounts of exercise and although I eat less than average too, I didn't when my activity levels first dropped off the radar. I need to very carefully work out what it is I can eat so I can lose my excess without adding to my fatigue and weakness. It is going to be very slow and I am going to shut up about it now and try not to mention it again.

I guess I resent the part of me who wants to lose weight; I can remember, following drug-induced obesity, being overjoyed to have got down to the size I am now. But I also resent being this heavy given that I don't eat much and when, if I was well, I could just go for a good long walk a couple of times a week and be back to a healthy weight within six weeks. Ho hum, such is life, guess I'll have to bite the low-calorie bullet and see how it goes.


5. Read and Review at least One Book Every Month. I felt guilty about the increasing "To Read" pile. I also wanted to be more disciplined about time spent on passive activities away from the computer and to remind myself what other people's books are like. At the same time, I didn't want to do what I tend to do which is not to read anything for weeks and weeks and then get completely distracted reading three books in a row and not getting anything else done in the meantime.

I managed January, just, but February has been complete chaos; there are very few non-essential objectives I have met this month, so I think I get the month off. I find it quite difficult to read when I'm working on my book - which is, of course, my main goal in life right now - but one book a month would probably be about right.

Unfortunately the next book on the pile is Jude the Obscure. Groan.


6. Be More Disciplined about Time Keeping.
This started out as quite a complex resolution, with all sorts of things I would attempt to do a little bit of every day.

Naturally, the fact we decided to move within the first few days of the New Year put the kibosh on this for a while, but am beginning to get back into it now. I want to be able to do all the things I want to do, without becoming completely distracted and then completely exhausted by one particular project or actvity. The more different things I do, the happier and more productive I am. Spending time doing crafty things or music helps me concentrate better on my writing. Only, this does require significant discipline and pacing, including resting properly between every ten or fifteen minutes activity. Which is incredibly tedious, and thus requires effort.


7. Be More Open about My Sexuality. My sexuality is really not a big deal, but it has been a thorn in my side because I am always afraid of how people might react to it – which makes me rather inhibited, in my writing especially, for fear that it should slip out by accident.

Alexander has rocked my position on this, such that I fell right off. Not because Alexander has any more than whatever percentage chance a person has of happening to be queer, but because the possibility that he could be or else might be a straight boy who doesn’t like cricket (does happen) – and the possibility that he might be made to feel as I was made to feel, makes me feel very sad and angry. He won’t, of course, his parents being somewhat groovier than mine and him growing up now, post Section 28, where things are moving steadily towards equity. However, I do have a responsibility to set an example, to be happy with myself the way I am. That way, at the very least Alex will grow up with an example of someone who is confident in her difference, so that he too may be confident in his difference (after all, we are all a bit different).

This resolution has been a tremendous success. I started by subjecting you guys to my tales of teenage angst – tales which I haven’t quite got to the end of yet, you’ll be deeply depressed to learn. This was a real release for me; it was terrifying in ways it really ought not to have been, but now out there, well phew! You didn't all run away in disgust, surprisingly enough.

Then earlier this month I managed to tell my mother in quite explicit terms that I was bisexual (explicit as in such that there could be no misinterpretation, although I didn't use the word bisexual; I don't like the word in any case). It was a split-second decision really, in the context of a conversion about Boudica and the Iceni as it happens (don't ask, I'm not really sure how it came out myself). And there it was. Out. I feel sure she already knew, and I knew deep down she wouldn’t freak out, love me any less or anything like that. But I feel much better because I don’t have to worry about her ever finding out by accident any more.


So in conclusion, not a bad start considering how chaotic things have been. None of my resolutions will be abandoned at this stage. See how I managed with the next two months.

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

Who am I to blow against the wind?

Some people rely on your counsel so heavily that it is difficult to know when to walk away and let them save or ruin their own life as they see fit. Well, it isn't difficult to know. It isn't difficult to see that the situation has almost certainly reached the point when you shouldn't attempt to do more. It isn't even that difficult to do, to keep silent, even avoid contact. Only, it's difficult to surrender your sense of responsibility.

And it is very easy to be selfish, thinking that you're being altruistic. It is easy for me to be selfish, to be sentimental, even dictatorial, fooling myself that I am doing good. Because naturally, I think I know better than anyone else. I think I know what the people I love want, what the people I love need and the difference between the two. But I may be wrong and even if I'm not, it's not my place.

Yet among my hidden talents, I know which strings require a gentle tug, I know the most tender points upon which to apply pressure, I know how to steer a person in a given direction and think it was their idea. With some people, of course, not everyone. The same applies to all bullies, of course; even the greatest tyrants can only win a relatively small proportion of the population over, which is why they generally have to kill lots of people and keep the unpersuaded majority living in fear.

Only, I'm not a bully, because I have no stomach for it. I try not surround myself with people I can play, because I become responsible for them. You save a life and you become responsible for that life - that's bollocks, actually, it wouldn't be at all fair. However, it is something I feel if I have any power over a person at all. And deep down, I know that I don't know better than anyone else. I don't know what the people I love want, or what the people I want need or the difference between the two. And choosing not to intervene is an act with consequences.

Allowing a person save or ruin their own life as they see fit makes me at least partly responsible for an outcome I don't have any control over. Which sits very heavily on my shoulders.

Sunday, February 25, 2007

Knowledge is Power

Knowledge is power.

Chronic pain is usually something which is causing you far more discomfort than it is any threat to your person. Acute pain usually (but not always) means something pretty major is happening, that either your life or part of your body is in some danger or else something extraordinary is happening, such as that another, somewhat smaller, human being is emerging from your insides. Acute pain is actually quite useful. More useful when you know that it will soon end, when you have the opportunity to escape the cause of pain or seek medical intervention, of course.

Chronic pain isn’t very useful. In some cases, it can prevent you causing further damage to a part of you which is already damaged or otherwise struggling to function, but only in so far that it stops you moving about in a certain way. Chronic pain is of no use to you at all when you are at rest and yet prevented from getting any peace from it.

But knowledge is power.

Unfortunately, neat explanations for chronic pain are often lacking. Where doctors know exactly what is going on and why, they can often do something about it. Most chronic pain conditions are just a little bit mysterious. Some are completely baffling.

At first, it is very frightening not knowing what is happening to your body. You imagine all the things that might be happening or might be going to happen. You consider the most sinister possibilities. You even consider impossibilities; you fear that you might explode, break in half or shatter or else some part of you might spontaneously fall off.

It is also very frightening not knowing when or indeed if this is ever going to stop.

Because knowledge is power. Lack of knowedge is powerlessness.

In time, you learn things. You learn that since nothing dramatic has happened so far, nothing dramatic is likely to happen. You learn that you’re not dying. Or even if you are, it isn’t happening very quickly. You learn the patterns. You learn about the worst that can happen.

You learn the tricks the brain plays when it comes to discomfort. You have been learning this all your life. As a child, you remember trying to be brave. You remember managing not to cry at any injury until you saw the blood, and then not being able to help it. The sight of blood somehow made it hurt more. You remember sustaining black eyes without shedding a tear because you didn’t want to seem like a Girl. And it didn’t hurt, not nearly as much as it would look like it ought to have hurt a day or two later.

You learnt the intense pain your particular organs endured in order to menstruate (the sight of blood somehow made you throw up) and how much easier it became, once in perspective. You saw your womb on a screen, just a tiny wee pocket at the bottom of your tummy, with two rosebuds growing out of it on curling stalks. You were amazed at how pretty it was, but it also made you realise that the pain which was felt throughout your entire abdomen was an illusion. The problem was only in that one little place, congested with blood. And all you needed to do is to draw the blood, or the consumption of your thoughts, away from that place.

Chronic pain is often an illusion. Not something you dreamed up yourself, but a trick of the nervous system. If it was real, a real problem that hurt that much for this long, then you would explode, break in half or shatter, or else some part of your body would spontaneously fall off. Something in your body is telling a lie.

Knowledge of this is your power.

Not that there is any malice in these lies; it is just a technical error, perhaps, quite literally, an electrical fault. There is no force of darkness you get to battle against and overcome.

You learn that God was a cowboy electrician. Much better at plumbing, and miles better at aesthetic design; landscaping, sculpture, that kind of thing. Not a very technical mind, you see. The margins of His physics books are filled with doodles of flowers, trees and birds.

You learn that there are things you can do to distract yourself from that erroneous message, to disconnect parts of your mind from that circuit and occasionally, to place yourself in a state where the message becomes a quiet whimper on the edge of your consciousness. You learn how to do these things when the pain is stable.

Because it’s all just a lot of tiny neurons, a lot of buzzing wires.

And knowing that’s all it is, makes it much less painful.

Friday, February 23, 2007

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean.

Alexander is very sweet, but he can't be the star of the show all the time. This week the star is his Mummy, who sang the fantastic scary high bit in this, Allegri's Miserere at the Winchester Cathedral Ash Wednesday Service, which you absolutely must listen to. You can also listen to the rest of the music at the service here.

Still, that was a vague excuse to post another picture of Alex, wasn't it? I mean, it has been a while.

Meanwhile, I have purple puffy cut knees having tripped over in a spectacular fashion onto one of the carpetless floors. I did cry, not because it hurt, but because I was carrying a slice of toast, the first slice of toast out of three I had managed not to burn, upon which was spread the last of the Marmite. And I was so hungry. And naturally the plate smashed and the toast went everywhere. As I was mopping up my tears, [...] said, "I'm sorry; if I had realised you were likely to trip over that, I would have set the camera up." Hmm.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Jiggety Jig

I’m back home again, having been at my folks’ for another couple of days (went back to do some washing, but then the car broke down for a second time and I was stranded). This evening my angelic mother delivered me home, together with a Shepherd’s Pie, broccoli and carrots, kept warm by a great deal of tinfoil and newspaper. Which was very nice.

In my absence and on a diet of nothing but toast, [...] has been moving on with the house and has it looking decidedly more homely. The bedroom and the red room - which looks to have become our living room - are more or less as we’d like them to be. All our appliances are up and running except the oven, which needs a new bit of wire and the washing machine, which needs a new bit of hose. Slight hitch in that the kitchen surfaces are too low for our standard-sized washing machine to fit under, but we can live with that.

There are a few oddities, such as the fact that [...] has deemed it appropriate to put a red light bulb in the bathroom (well, it does improve, or possibly disguise the colour scheme) and despite the great inroads made elsewhere, we still appear to be short of a toilet seat.

The car needs new spark plugs, a new distributor cap, a new rotor arm and new HT leads, whatever the hell any of that is. [...] didn’t know either, so he bought a Haynes manual, ordered the bits of the Internet, spent a great deal of time looking under the bonnet practising what he calls manly noises (it’s a slow but noisy intake of breath, kind of between the teeth, accompanied by much shaking of the head) and is now an expert in car maintenance. He has also bought an enormous shower-cap for the car to wear to stop it getting wet inside when it rains.

However, we do anticipate becoming mobile again very shortly. Oh and I’ve also managed to register us with a dentist, and made our first dental appointment in eight years, which I was very chuffed with.

In summary, things continue to move in the right direction. And now I want to get on with life and finish writing my bloody fucking book.